Video Game Magazines – Angry Video Game Nerd

Video Game Magazines – Angry Video Game Nerd They were filled with AWESOME stuff: previews for upcoming games, new consoles, walkthroughs, codes, and reviews. In the past, I've talked about Nintendo Power, so it's about time I talk about the others. Some were about the brands and the consoles like: Atari Age, but others were more generic, like: Game Pro and Electronic Gaming Monthly. And even into the millennium, we had Retro Throwback magazines, like Video Game Collector. Heh, look at that guy! What a nerd. In today's age, you can look up anything about games you want on the internet: walkthroughs, cheats, reviews, previews, whatever! Back in the day, if you wanted to know if a game sucked, or how to find a secret, or get an "infinite lives" code, you had to wait for one of these to come out monthly. Well, let's start with the oldest magazine I have. Atari Age. They came free with a subscription to the Atari Club They were pretty short reads to only about 15 pages each and they were all printed in Center City, Philadelphia They didn't give much insight on if the game sucked they were mainly filled with fluff pieces about new games to buy and some articles But then again this was at our ease official magazine. So what do you expect? I mean Nintendo Power did the same thing Remember it said Back to the Future had that distinct LJN style the first issue of Atari H has an awful interview with none other than pac-man filled with awful pack puns Pac-man says I had what you'd call a well-rounded education I was involved in high school dramatics. I played the lead in central highs production of man ala muncher Ha I did more acting in college mostly theater in the round Productions. Oh, I love this issue right here ET on the cover Might as well just had a sign that says the end is near the tardy age also had some cool Do-it-yourself type articles teaching you how to fix joysticks and even how to make your own left-handed. Joystick Overall a fun magazine to pass the time or read on the shitter Later with the rise of Nintendo and Sega more magazines began popping up. They expanded their coverage and became more in depth So here we have game players magazine video games in computer entertainment. Well, that's a good one GamePro and Electronic gaming monthly game players started out as game players strategy guide to nintendo games It's basically a knockoff of Nintendo Power but it's unofficial and has nowhere near the quality. Just look at these screenshots I understand capturing game footage back then wasn't as easy as it is now But look at this shit looks like they took the picture with a Polaroid then photocopied it 50 times And the covers are usually just the box art from whatever game they're covering. Sometimes they're all over the place. Look at this They basically took whatever videogames stereotypes they could and slap them on the front. What game does this represent? Okay, this guy he looks like rad Spencer from Bionic Commando mixed with Matthew McConaughey Why is there a kid doing a hand playing on his shoulder skater kid looks just as confused as I do. Okay? This might be the worst cover I've ever seen Super Mario 3 Apparently I can't even tell what I'm looking at. What is that thing? What is that? It looks like a mangled Easter egg or something. Holy shit They didn't even try you have what looks like Wario in the corner and someone must have sneezed all over the print the only thing that could possibly Indicate that this is a Mario cover are the words Imagine if you couldn't read you wouldn't have any idea what this was supposed to be you you wouldn't even know what it is I mean you just be sitting there trying to figure out what this puked out passed out pissed picture is One thing that really twists my asshole is the sheer number of ads The same one 900 number shows up three times in the same issue. Look at this face Yeah, laugh it up while you can kid. Your dad's gonna flip shit when he sees a 500 dollar fucking phone bill I swear every other page is an ad look ad and Look at this a picture of burnt toast. That's so big it takes up more than a page. I don't get it. I Don't get it. The sad thing is I've reviewed most of the games advertised There's ads for hydlide super hide lied Street Fighter 2010 Silver Surfer Tiger Electronics Simon's quest Tiger Electronic Ninja Gaiden Kid cool the power glove and even Bugs Bunny's crazy Castle the most Frequent ads I've seem to come across our shitty joysticks. There's tons of them shitty joysticks shitty joysticks shitty joysticks everywhere I don't get it. Was there something wrong with the controller's that came with the system? Whoa lookee here the U Force our joysticks a thing of the past I hope not seeing as most these ads are for joysticks. They trying to put themselves out of business not to mention They all suck ass through a crazy straw I like to call these shitty friend controllers because they were the controller's your shitty friend would make you use another thing I love are the ads for the most stupid useless shit. Look at this Gaming gloves. They're basically fingerless gloves except with a thumb Could you imagine being that guy showing up to your friend's house with these stupid neon Batman gloves was holding a Nintendo controller Really so bad that uh, he needed protective equipment. Oh, But it gets worse here you go the thumb master it's basically a bright purple Cushioned condom for your thumb, but it eliminates video-thumb. Have you ever in your life suffered from video-thumb? Well, maybe Silver Surfer one of those games where you need a turbo controller and when you do your thumb will thank you Thank you now These guys know how to make an ad right here. It's a dude getting his nuts kicked in Why? Why did they do this? This is a real ad. It's kicking them in the balls This one says we took some of the worst garbage on TV and turned in hook And turning into a great game Yeah I bet here's an ad for a Game Boy light but really weirds me out is the kid in the back of the car No seat belt or anything what's even crazier is in later magazines? They replace this ad with real-life people They put this kid's life in danger just to sell a shitty Gameboy light oh look at that an ad for the line a gameboy shit from STD yeah, I like how the word handy is in quotes. Yeah They just knew they were jerking off speaking of STDs and being handy. There were tons of really adult ads out there, too Just look at some of these kick some balls Monster bone pray for a full frontal assault size does matter and of course the Sega dick PSM even did a swimsuit special. What are they thinking? The articles range from interesting and useful to downright idiotic One of the best features was the walkthroughs like right here. They hand drew all the levels from Super Mario Land on Gameboy That's pretty cool. And here's a walkthrough of Robocop 2 on NES man I wish I had found this when I reviewed it last year that game made me want to get my dick shot off by Robocop Here's a letter from a kid who has a sister named awesome. He actually sent in her birth certificate to prove it Hopefully was a copy here they talk about the home alone games and even promote the upcoming movie sequel and the home alone phenomenon Yeah, such a phenomenon. You know that that guy right there. He turned out to be a pizza boy The reviews are always a major part of these magazines. They gave kids the insight on which games were worth their money And which ones they should avoid like the fucking plague But sometimes these recommendations are really off the mark like right here Contra 3 a game revered as a classic one of the best side-scrolling shooters on the Super Nintendo and they gave it 7 s Then look at this shit Terminator 2 on the NES a game That's total shit and it's got eight and nine as seven and another eight Are you kidding me Terminator 2 on NES has better scores than contra 3 Yeah, I mean that's like saying I tasted a shit flavored ice cream. I gave it a 10 out of 10 It was good. Trust me. That's not the only shit thought chav. Here's double dragon 3 It's fun factor has a perfect score No way No way they included the B me and Jimmy screenshot well, at least the caption has the correct name Believe it or not there existed a magazine for the amiga cd32 The crazy thing is that the magazine kept coming out long after they stopped making the system and look at this they gave gloom a 92 out of a hundred Thankfully my CD 32 is safely burning in hell where it belongs Man the memories, it's fun to read these knowing how the Technology evolved. They covered the breakthrough of laser discs and virtual reality and all the new types of controllers Here's the shitty Sega activator. Damn This guy could give Keith epic re a run for his money A lot of these magazines King with technology some being bundled with diskettes and demo CDs For the April issues game Pro would have a parody section lame Pro. This was fun to read I love bubonic the blow frog and his pal snails Yeah, it was stupid but back then it was just cool to see people in the gaming industry making fun of games Here's a piece about the ultimate gamer. This guy's no joke. He makes my Nintendo suit look like a cheap Halloween costume Here's the top for hot videogame babes. And for the ladies the top for hot videogame hunks The artwork was always great Well not always but sometimes Oh in this picture this kids holding a ninja star and whipping out a yo-yo right as he's about to be brutally murdered by a Skeleton. Oh and then check out this picture of Godzilla and kinda King Kong and they're both really shiny for some reason this picture I don't know what is going on. It's just hideous when it came to drawing a link for some reason They always had a problem here. He is on the cover of Nintendo strategies. At least. I think it's him Oh and this link looks more like a villain than a hero. He's pretty scary Zelda's just over there chilling with agging him She doesn't even look like she wants to be saved She's probably horrified by links demon spawn face This one's not so bad. But link looks really pissed. Here's some fanart some of it is really amazing But some of it as you can see it's shit And I know that's not nice because it's probably some young kid who drew it but the kids grown up now so we could handle its shit Just flipping through these magazines. It's like opening up a time capsule. You just can't go wrong So let's end with a top 5 It's the Nerds top 5 most nineties moments in gaming magazines number 5 Crime wave look at this scene. I mean look at this. Okay, you have this guy Screaming and then you have this guy with these cool shades and then this girl who looks like she's falling asleep or something Is this Dan from Street Fighter Alpha? There's this guy with the backwards hat wearing pajamas carrying a fucking gun and then on the ground there's all this money and guns and bullets and Cocaine yeah, and the text they're talking about drugs. It's cocaine in a gaming magazine Number four this gang right here. You got this badass biker. Granny There's bowtie where and nerd this cool gamer kid That's punk ass Mohawk motherfucker and then this valley girl sitcom star and then a bulldog with the same sunglasses as the kid and it's all for a Pictionary game. Number three an ad for socks the cat rocks the hill you got Bill Clinton Jammin, on the sax and sucks the cat coming out with this real badass looking grin What the hell and this is for a real game now that's the nineties. Number two Wow Wow look at this kid. He said I mean look at this. He's just Cruising through the galaxy surfing through space with those badass sunglasses and knee pads and that tiger electronic game of narc Yeah motherfucking 90s and at last Number one all these glorious goddamn mullets businesses in the front party in the back The iconic haircut of the decade you want to look like a bad motherfucker that plays real hard guzzles Jolt Cola and watches nothing but MTV you got a roll 1090 my dude that's 10% up front 90 round back. Look at this joke cool sumbitch That's a guy who knows all the tips and tricks. Yeah motherfuck You